The Adventures of Manny Tasby, Bounty Hunter
by Gengario
Summary: A talking Machamp, with help from his robotic companion, hunts bounties across the galaxy. This isn't a crackfic, but it's not exactly normal, either.
1. The Azure Blur

_Author's Note: This author's note sucks. There is a better one at the bottom._

* * *

_DISCLAIMER: All characters and franchises are the intellectual property of Nintendo, Sega, and others. I own nothing. I'm not just talking about copyright – I literally do not own anything. If you see me, please give me some food. I am typing this buck naked in the public library._

* * *

You have to start somewhere.

Every story needs a beginning, no matter how arbitrary. So – why not? – I'll give this one a running start. The setting is the Green Hill Zone of the planet Mobius. A blue blur ran across the green, bizarrely curvy landscape at damn near the speed of sound. No, not Sonic; it was one of his evil, robotic counterparts. It was also our target. There was a big bounty for the capture of this Metal Sonic, and Manny didn't want to miss out on it.

By Manny I am referring to the gray, muscly, four-armed fellow chasing the blue blur at a much, much slower pace. Manny Tasby was a Machamp. A talking Machamp. It's… complicated. There's this thing called Oscelon, you see, and… well, the details aren't important right now. You can go read my report on the Pocketian Space Pirate War if you want them, but that really isn't necessary. All you need to know is that Manny is a Machamp with an almost-human mind. His failure to fit in with either humans or Pokémon is, in part, what led him to choose this life.

A few weeks ago Manny had left his home planet, Pocket, to become a spacefaring bounty hunter. So far he hadn't had much success. Okay, _any_ success. "But I have a good feeling about this time!" he'd told me on the way to Mobius. Idiot.

Back to the chase. One character's still missing from this picture: me. You know that new sleek, white model of R.O.B.-brand robots? That was me, following Manny, alternately rolling and hovering. I'm Dexter, Manny's… well, technically, I'm his spaceship. That's where my CPU is located. From there, I can remotely control a R.O.B. – and I often do, especially when Manny's on a mission. Lord knows he can't do anything without my help.

In fact, he has enough trouble doing anything _with_ my help. Hence, our current mess. As I'd warned, capturing Metal Sonic would require near-perfect reflexes. Manny had jumped out of the bush a fraction of a second too late. Now he faced the impossible task of chasing down Dr. Eggman's supersonic robot.

"Man, this thing is _fast!_" Manny whined. "To hell with the fatass who built it!"

I didn't say it, but frankly, I think that Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik gets a bad rap. The number of scientific and technological breakthroughs he's made is astounding, and his industries reach so far that if he were to die now, the entire Mobius economy would collapse. And you'd be surprised how many orphanages he's founded. Sure, he tries to conquer the world every now and then, but if you shared his level of intellect, you'd get pretty bored too. I can relate.

But things are the way they are, so there we were, trying to destroy a magnificent piece of scientific progress in the name of pea-brained common folk everywhere. Okay, as a robot myself, maybe I'm a little bitter. Can you blame me? For every new technological advancement nowadays it's "oooh, scary evil robot, we must destroy it!" All it took was a _few_ measly robot uprisings and already the meatbags have it out for us.

So, yes, I was a little hesitant about this mission; but despite how much I mocked Manny, I wanted above all other things to see him succeed. Sometimes though, he really tests my faith in him. For example: during the chase, a loop-the-loop stood in our path. Manny tried to run up it. He'd barely run up a few meters before he fell and slid back down. Stupidly, he tried again, with the same result. "You can go _around_ the loop, moron," I kindly informed him.

"Yeah, but I wanted to…" Manny looked disappointed. "Fine, whatever. Who the hell designed this crazy planet, anyway?"

"Actually, the loop-like structures of Mobius are the result of a very interesting natural phenomenon in which…"

A loud explosion interrupted me. It came from far in front of us – right where Metal Sonic ought to be.

"What was that?" Manny asked, but I saw his sad, defeated expression. He knew exactly what that was. The same thing had happened twice before.

Nonetheless, Manny held on to a spark of hope as he anxiously ran toward the explosion.

We got to the top of the hill. There, on a stretch of flat land, I saw more or less what I had expected. Metal Sonic was tied up and non-functioning. Above him stood his triumphant captor: a human figure covered in red, yellow, and purple armor. Samus Aran had beaten us to the prize _again_.

Samus took off her helmet, revealing her slender face and blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. She half-smiled at Manny and me with a mix of pleasant surprise and smug satisfaction. I think she was about to say something, but Manny didn't give her the chance.

"Now, before you say _anything_," said an agitated Manny, "I'll have you know that you wouldn't have even _caught_ Bionic the Hedgebot or whatever if it weren't for me. I scared him over to you. Get it? I chased him over to right where you wanted him, and I think I ought to take 50% of the bounty for my help."

"Fifty percent?" Samus barely even looked mad – mostly, she seemed concerned. "Manny, that's absurd, and you know it. Your 'help' didn't mean anything to me."

"Fine," Manny said, crossing his lower arms. "Forty percent."

Samus rolled her eyes. Then she sighed, and she softly replied. "Manny, I know that you've been having a hard time ever since you left Pocket. Believe it or not, I know what that's like – all bounty hunters have some trouble adjusting at first. Listen: if you're really as desperate as you sound, I'm willing to let you have twenty-five percent of Metal Sonic's bounty. As an act of charity."

"_Charity?_" Manny clenched his fists; he had wild eyes. "You know what, take the bounty! All of it! And you can take that twenty-five percent 'charity' and stick it where the sun don't shine! How's _that_ for a deal?"

"You drive a hard bargain," Samus deadpanned.

As she spoke, Manny was already walking away. He was still in a huff; he practically dug his feet into the ground with each step. "Well, you certainly showed her," I said to him.

)(

I suppose that some more background information is warranted.

Believe it or not, Samus was a friend of ours. There was a Space Pirate invasion on Pocket that lasted about a month, and Samus was there the whole time, helping us fight them off. Samus and Manny worked together to kill the Space Pirates' Phazon-infused leader, Mewtwo. Well, Samus did most of the work, and other Pokémon helped, but Manny delivered the final blow. Unfortunately, I think it sort of went to his head, and now he was convinced that he could do just about anything. Anyways, Samus had remained a friend, but now she was a friend _and_ a rival bounty hunter.

Back to Mobius. By the time Manny got to his gray, round ship, he'd cooled off considerably. Now he just seemed depressed. I turned off my R.O.B. unit; now I could interact with Manny as the ship. I turned on my engines. "Looks like we're blasting off again," Manny sighed as I initiated launch.

I waited until we were above the stratosphere before asking the obvious question. "Blasting off to _where_, exactly?"

"I dunno, Dex. You're the brains guy, you figure it out."

"I don't strive to be the only one _with_ any brains. You were stupid not to accept Samus's offer. The money we brought with us from Pocket is almost gone, and that's despite the fact that you've been eating nothing but stale Pokébites for weeks. If we don't find some money soon you'll have no choice but to file for unemployment."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," said Manny as he opened an expired can of Pokébites. He sounded tired and unmotivated.

"Is that food some sort of IQ-dampener?" I asked. "Because I could swear that you weren't this big an idiot back on Pocket."

Manny swallowed his food. Then he nodded. "It's true," he admitted. "I've really been slippin'. I think… I think it's about Tom. Back on Pocket, y'know, he was almost as new to training as I was to battling, and then the Space Pirates came and _that_ kept a big chunk of our minds occupied… I dunno how to put it, really, but I felt like I had to stay strong for him. I mean, the kid was just fourteen. I _had_ to keep it together. Otherwise, with the war on and all… what would've happened to him?

"I guess now that he's gone, there just ain't anything holding me together. So yeah, Dex, you're right; I can't do anything right lately."

Tom Tasby was Manny's Pokémon trainer. He was my owner as well – I was his Pokédex. That's how I got my name. Tom was a good trainer, but an awful namer. Anyway, he had captured Manny as a mere Machop in Mt. Moon and had trained him all the way to his evolution into a Machamp and beyond.

"Man, I don't get it," said Manny. "When I took up this job I thought I'd kick ass at it by default. All I did was save the friggin' _universe_ from the most powerful Pokémon ever, and now I can't catch a single damn criminal to save my life."

"We've gone over this before," I said. "You're very strong, yes, but bounty hunting isn't a mere muscle-flexing contest. This is a new realm for you, and you need experience to learn your strengths and weaknesses so that you can properly utilize your strengths and work around your weaknesses."

"Blah, blah, just need experience," Manny grumbled. "I gotta wonder where I'll get my experience from once we're broke."

"Yes, if only we had a friend willing to offer us money and delay that problem."

Manny snorted, but otherwise didn't respond. "I'm just tired," he said. "I'm gonna go nap for a while."

)(

Manny was considerably more chipper after his nap. "If it's experience I need, then let's get on it!" he said. "C'mon, let's get back to the 'Wanted' list. Time to pick my next victim."

"You mean first victim."

"Blah, whatever! Let's just pick up where we left off. Use shuffle mode, like you always do."

"In that case, some of the targets may be well above your caliber. Perhaps we should filter the list to include only targets with a smaller bounty."

"Nah, just show me all of them."

I made a mid-size screen descend from the ceiling until Manny could see it from his seat. Then I turned the screen on. A certain government-run site on the Database contained pictures of many wanted criminals accompanied by the reward (or "bounty") for capturing them. Manny and I sometimes went through these pictures in search of a target.

The first picture was of a Jigglypuff. "Oh, don't tell me this cwute wittle cwitter is wanted for mass murder or somethin'," said Manny.

"Not quite. Actually, it's not unusual for Jigglypuff to be part of a heist – their ability to 'Sing' and make others fall asleep, including guards and potential witnesses, is very useful in the crime world. This individual is wanted for assistance in a variety of crimes."

"Yeesh, really? This fuzzy ball of adorableness?"

"Cuteness does not equal innocence. Haven't you heard of the Pikmin Race Wars?"

"Okay, okay, no need to bring _that_ up. Just show me the next picture."

With a _click_, the picture on the screen changed. (The _click_ wasn't really necessary, but I liked to add it for emphasis.) "Who's this Funkeh Monkeh?" asked Manny.

"He's an ape."

"Oh. Well, who's this funkeh… ape?"

"This is Funky Kong, of the Kong Islands on the Mushroom World. He's wanted for selling some rather 'funkeh' bananas, and possibly balloons filled with illegal narcotics as well."

_Click._

"Hey, wait a moment, that's Luigi!"

"No," I explained, "that's Weegee, and he's not to be underestimated. He's wanted for impersonating a Mario Brother."

"Lemme guess – for impersonating Luigi."

"No, actually, for impersonating Mario. Nobody's really sure how he got away with that one."

"Now you're just screwing with me."

"For once, I'm not."

_Click._

"Yikes, what's up with the creeper in the pajamas?"

"That's Tingle, of the planet Hyrule. He's wanted for crimes against humanity. I'd just move on if I were you."

"Yeah, let's do that."

_Click._

"What's this guy wanted for?"

"Using copyrighted characters in his own stories."

"Sounds pretty heinous."

"Indeed. Shall I move on?"

"Actually, you know what? I think I found my new target. Give me all the information you've got on this 'Weegee' fellow."

Oh boy. "Manny, you're doing that thing again."

"That thing?"

"Yes, that thing where you act like a complete goddamn idiot. I know you have a brain, so use it for a moment. Do you really think that the price on Weegee's head would be so high if he were easy to catch? Did you not consider that countless bounty hunters, all of them more experienced than you, have gone for the same target before? That every single one of these hunters failed? The smart ones gave up before encountering him. The rest… they were victims of his Weegee Stare."

"Sounds like a tough catch," said Manny. But I could see that twinkle in his eye. The "I'm totally gonna go for this guy, no matter what Dexter says" twinkle. I knew it well, and I knew there was no way to extinguish it. Still, I had to try.

"Manny, you must understand – impersonation is merely the only crime Weegee has been _caught_ committing. Everything around him is shrouded in mystery. He turns up, he disappears, and he can leave entire villages rambling mad in the time between. His origin is the subject of myths and legends; some say Weegee has existed since the beginning of time. Scientists are puzzled by him. Some of his victims still scream at the mention of his name. I hope I've made myself clear: _pick another target._"

I can't say I didn't warn him.

* * *

_Author's Note: So this is _sort of _a sequel to _Poketroid_, but it's completely different and stands on its own. It's more of a spin-off, really. As I try to make clear, you do not have to have read _Poketroid_ to understand_ The Adventures of Manny Tasby.

_This isn't a typical Super Smash Bros. fan fiction - or a typical fan fiction of any type, really. It takes place in an original universe where various Nintendo franchises have come to life. But what is Super Smash Bros, ultimately, other than a way to bring all of Nintendo's worlds into one place? So I think that Manny Tasby's story fits into this section just fine. As more characters appear, that will become clearer._

_If you're curious, _Poketroid _is a Pokemon/Metroid crossover epic adventure... thing that I wrote a while back. You can go find it if you want to learn more about Manny and Dexter's origins - but, again, it's not required._


	2. Wii G

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Super Smash Bros. or any of its characters._

* * *

Our stay on the Mushroom World was short and pointless. Honestly, I was only halfway paying attention – well, considering my ability to absorb a vast amount of information, it was still a million times more attention than most people pay. My point is that I knew exactly how this was going to end, and all I could do was watch with a sort of detached frustration. I tried to tell Manny how stupid he was being, but I call him stupid so often that he had learned to just tune it out. I suppose there's a lesson in there. I'm the boy who cried "dumbass".

To simplify: Manny found a Toad, who told him where he could find Luigi, who didn't know where Weegee was but did know that Waluigi knew, so that's where he sent us, and Waluigi told us what we wanted to know. The whole process took about two days. During that time, I spent most of my processing power putting together my philosophy book, _I Am Not Error: A Response to Hylian Existentialism_.

When Manny explained his goal, the Toad, Luigi, and Waluigi all reacted the same way: "What are you, crazy?" To which Manny always replied: "No, I'm Manny." Well, he said that to the Toad and to Luigi; I told him that if he did it a third time I'd revoke his Tetris privileges.

It all ended atop a field of the Mushroom Kingdom's famous, sky-high, polka-dot mushrooms. It was night, and the clouded sky threatened to rain at any moment. Despite this, Manny wore the special reflective sunglasses I'd given him. Nothing happened for a while, and he began to suspect a false lead. But then lightning struck. And there, on the horizon, we saw him, lit up for a split-second by the lightning.

Fools like Manny always think they can avoid his infamous gaze. They're always wrong.

Manny was lucky. The gaze lasted only a fraction of a second, from a great distance, in very dark conditions. And he had his sunglasses. None of that was enough. I hoped it would be, for a few seconds, since he wasn't doing anything. But then he looked around, looked at his arms, and spoke to me. "Dexter, cut off my arms! There's yogurt in there and it's just _dying_ to come out!" That's when I knew it was time to retreat.

When the next lightning bolt struck, Weegee was already gone, back to whatever wretched netherworld had spawned him. Sadly, it didn't matter; by then, Manny had completely lost it. I only got him back to the ship by convincing him that it was filled with salami, which he told me he needed "to feed the people".

)(

It took all of my robotic bodies to restrain Manny, and only after calming him with a series of increasingly surreal and deranged lies. Eventually, I managed to cuff his legs and upper arms; he kept himself occupied by using the screen in front of him with his lower arms. He could have escaped were he in his right mind, and my aunt could have been my uncle if she were male; but I don't have an aunt and Manny doesn't have a brain.

So there I was, in orbit above the Mushroom World, forced to take care of a mad, rambling Machamp, who was tied to the chair and doing online searches of Girafarig in underpants for some reason. Times like these made me long for those days as a piece of equipment in Professor Oak's laboratory. Nobody knew I was alive, which meant I didn't have to do anything or care what happened to anyone. Also, since I was a supposedly non-sentient Pokédex, people said whatever they wanted around me. You wouldn't _believe_ the things sweet old Oak says when he thinks no one's listening. Maybe someday I'll use the recordings to blackmail the dirty old coot. Not that I want anything from him. I just hate people and love watching them suffer.

Speaking of hating people, taking care of Weegeefied Manny was _not_ fun. The only relief came about twelve hours in. That's when Samus called.

To mess with her, I answered in the Space Pirate tongue, using a voice I meshed together from a bunch of Space Pirates sound clips. "It's the Hunter! Quickly – gather the hostages!"

"WHAT?"

"Nah, I'm kidding. It's me, Dexter."

"Good God, Dexter, not funny."

"Fine, fine. Such a sensitive species." Samus was more than a little shaken up, so maybe it was a mean joke. But I didn't care because – I think I've gone over this already – I hate everyone. "You haven't called in some time. What's the occasion?"

"Is Manny there?"

"He's not _all_ there."

"What?"

"Two semi-important things happened since we last met. One: I wrote a book. It turned out okay. Two: Manny got hit by a Weegee Stare and went stark raving mad."

"_What?_"

"Look for yourself." I put the camera on him. He was furiously tinkering with the screen. "Manny, tell Samus what you're doing."

"I am now unraveling a vast conspiracy!" Manny declared. "Yes, a conspiracy, for why else would 'Pikmin' sound so much like 'Pokémon'? It's no coincidence! Someone powerful is pulling the strings! Yes, someone powerful – someone manly, with glistening muscles and a glorious mind and probably four arms… Wait a moment – Dexter, what if _I'm_…"

These rants had a tendency to never end, so I blocked out Manny's voice for Samus's sake. "And that's what I've had to put up with for the past twelve hours."

"What the hell happened?"

I told her what the hell happened.

"Manny tried to take on _Weegee?_ On his _own?_ What is he, crazy?"

"Well, he is now. Don't worry too much, though. With the proper care, he should come back to his senses within the next twelve hours. He was lucky. The stare was brief and filtered."

"This is exactly the kind of thing I was worried about," said Samus. "I called to check up on you two because… for one thing, Manny acted a little odd the last time we met. Even ignoring that, though, I knew he'd been having trouble and wondered what that kind of stress might be doing to him. I guess I have my answer."

"Every failure only makes him more stubborn, which makes him more likely to fail again," I said. "That cycle will ruin him. But he won't listen to me, so he almost certainly won't listen to you either. I don't know what to do about him, and I was designed to solve problems far more complex than your primitive mind could comprehend."

"Actually, my primitive mind does have _some_ ideas…"

)(

I had told Samus that Manny would be fine within twelve hours. His recovery began about twelve hours and 21.6 seconds after I said that. Those 21.6 seconds punctured a gaping wound in my ego, but I recovered somehow.

Manny, however, needed some time to recover. That was to be expected after a solid twenty-four hours of manic insanity. His mind came back in pieces. At first he was very slow and confused. His confusion gradually cleared up, but the slowness lingered; he spent hours in that state of mind one wakes up with after an inadequate amount of sleep. It didn't help that the more aware he became of what had happened, the more depressed and ashamed he felt about it.

"Man, did I really spend that many hours looking up Girafarig in underpants?" Manny semi-slurred. "How the heck does that even work? Those things have a second head _on their butt_."

"Do you want to look it up?"

"Ye- I mean, no! Dammit, Dexter."

"Also, do you still want me to fetch you 'the pubic hairs of ten thousand mountain goats'?"

"Uh, what?"

"Apparently they were to be used in the production of some type of musical instrument."

"Ha ha, man. Oh, insanity, you so crazy." Manny sighed. His eyes fell to the floor. "I can't believe how pointless it all was. All that effort to catch Weegee and he makes me his bitch in less than a second. Dexter… if you're so good at analyzing stuff, can you pinpoint the exact moment where I became a failure?"

And then I realized that I had been misinterpreting Manny's shame and depression. It had nothing to do with his prior state of insanity. It had everything to do with the reason he and Samus and I needed to talk.

"Never," I told him. "And it doesn't have to happen. But it _will_ happen if you don't come to terms with reality, as I've repeatedly advised you to do."

"Oh, c'mon. Come to terms with _what_ reality? I don't know what you expect. Maybe, I dunno, the _reality_ is that I was never cut out for this crap to begin with. Dammit, I've tried so many times and a month later – nothing. Zilch. I have… I mean, I _should_ have the ability to do this. If it was gonna happen, I really should have caught someone by now."

"Be careful with that 'should'. It is perhaps the most dangerous word in the entire Standard language."

"Why should I care?"

"In your current state, I don't expect you to understand. However, I wish to change that. Do you remember me telling you that Samus called while you were out of it?"

"Eh… a little. Everything was kind of blurry when I first came back from crazytown."

"I just sent her a message that you ought to be fully recovered in an hour. At that time, the three of us will have a little chat."

"What? But… hey! She's a rival bounty hunter now!"

"She's also a friend, and she wants to help you as much as I do."

In the end, Manny lacked the energy and motivation to argue.

)(

When Samus answered my call, she was wearing armor up to her neck. I'd seen her take this armor off before, but it was a rare event. I put her image up on all relevant screens. "Hello, Manny, Dexter," she said.

The sight of her brought out something in Manny he'd been weakly suppressing for the past hour. "Okay, you know what? This is dumb," he said, clenching his fists and crossing his lower arms. "You're a frickin' _rival bounty hunter!_ You ain't supposed to be actually _helping_ me!"

"Manny," Samus coolly responded, "if you were even remotely competitive with me, I'd hang up right now, but you aren't."

Anger flickered across Manny's face. Then acceptance crept in, and he lay back in his chair, fists unclenched. "Oh, what's the point, I know you're right. I'm nobody."

"Manny, everybody starts out as nobody. That's what I called to tell you."

"Really? That'll make this a really short call, then."

"That and other things. Like the fact that you need to listen to Dexter when he tells you which targets you aren't suited for, given your level of experience."

"But I've had lots of experience! I've…"

"Helped us kill Mewtwo?" Samus interrupted with a fierce tone. "Helped your trainer become Champion? I don't give a shit. I didn't ask Metal Sonic, but I'm pretty sure he didn't give a shit, either, and neither did any of the targets you failed to capture. When you first flew off of your home planet, you started everything again from scratch. If you don't believe me, believe all of those bounties you never collected."

For a few moments, Manny stared forward blankly. "So what do you want me to do about it?" he quietly asked.

A blank screen to Manny's left lit up. Samus had sent him a "Wanted" poster, with information about the target beneath the picture. Manny ought to have recognized the creature on the poster – it was a Pokémon. Specifically, a Rotom. A Rotom is a ghost/electric Pokémon with a tiny plasma body that looks like a red teardrop made of lightning. Its Pokédex entry reads: "Rotom's electric-like body can enter some kinds of machines and take control in order to make mischief." (Wow, that felt good. I must still be programmed to feel a surge of satisfaction every time I share a Pokédex entry. Well played, Pokédex manufacturers.)

Samus gave Manny a moment to scan the document before explaining herself. Then she asked, "Have you heard of the Hench Refugee Center?"

"I've heard of the fact that I _haven't_ heard of it."

"…Okay, ignoring how little sense that made. Basically, it's a haven for minions who escaped from their evil masters and want to integrate into galactic society. This week, a Rotom infiltrated their electrical circuits and started making trouble there. They just now got the approval to put a bounty on that Rotom's head. I've…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Manny interrupted. "Wait a moment. This thing's like some mix of a vermin and a computer virus, and they're calling on _bounty hunters_ to get rid of it? Isn't that a job for, like, an exterminator or something?"

"Bounty hunting isn't all about the glamorous stuff they show on T.V.," said Samus. "Trust me." She was right. Bounty hunting was a rare, obscure sport many years ago. Then the Space Pirates accumulated power and wreaked havoc all over the galaxy. The Federation needed more fighters than its own military could supply. So it changed the rules. The rules for what qualified as a "bounty" became looser and looser; local governments and businesses and even private citizens were given greater freedom to post bounties on their own; and as a result, people like Samus Aran popped up everywhere. Since these rules remain in place, so does the loose and rather vague definition of "bounty". Without a clear definition, and with Federation rules favoring quick approval of every application, there are some pretty… unorthodox bounties out there. Once, some prankster posted a bounty for "Your Mother" (Crime: "she too fat") and it actually got approved. Dozens of innocent women were turned in before the Federation noticed its mistake.

"Anyways," Samus continued, "as I was saying, I filed a claim on the Rotom. You know that a hunter at my level almost never officially claims a victim. I'm only doing it to keep other bounty hunters away from it so that it's clear for you to take. And before you say a _word_," she said pointedly when Manny looked like he was about to say a number of words, none of them positive; "I want you to seriously think about this. It's exactly the kind of experience you need. There won't be any gunfights or fistfights – for you, that's the easy part – but minus that, you'd have to face every single aspect of bounty hunting. It'll be all about locating and capturing the target, and you'd get to face and practice every step on a relatively easy bounty. And this time, you won't have to worry about a more experienced hunter taking your prize from you. Hey!" she snapped, and Manny promptly closed his mouth. "I really hope you weren't about to use the I-can't-accept-help-from-a-rival-bounty-hunter excuse, because you know it's a load. I'm not going to do _anything_ to help you capture this Rotom, I'm just ensuring that nobody _else_ does it for you."

Since I am by far the smartest being in any conversation I have the charity to participate in, I decided it was time to speak up. "Manny, you need to do this. I'm not only asking as your partner, or as a Pokédex who may have to go back to coddling obnoxious children if the money runs dry. I'm also asking as a friend." That last word took so much effort I may have accidentally corrupted a portion of the many LOLmeowth pictures in my memory, but I somehow survived the loss. "Yes, believe it or not, I _do_ care about what happens to you and I _do_ want you to succeed. So when I berate your many mistakes, it is not _entirely_ out of pure self-interest. This opportunity is exactly the kind of experience you need, and you may actually get some money out of it. I strongly suggest you take it."

Manny sat there, looking distressed. "I just don't get it," he said. "It still just sounds to me like a job for an exterminator."

"Then _exterminate_," said Samus. "I've said everything I came here to say, and I don't need to stay and persuade you. I have stuff to do. Planet QE416 just got attacked and I want to find the terrorist who did it."

"Holy crap. A bombing?"

"No, worse. They let loose a bunch of angry Hylian cuckoos in a public square."

"That fiend! …What's a Hylian cuckoo?"

"I hope for your sake that you never have to find out. Anyway, good luck and goodbye."

"Yeah, um, see ya."

Thirty minutes after Samus hung up, Manny finally made his decision.

"Fine, I'll capture the stupid Rotom I guess," he grudgingly said. "But not until tomorrow. When Samus told me to exterminate, it reminded me – tonight's the Dr. Who 2,770th Season Premiere!"

I felt disappointed. "Really, Manny? That show's been pure anti-robot propaganda since at least Season 2,691."

But since Manny had just recovered from his last attempt to hunt a bounty, I granted that he could rest until tomorrow morning. After that, off to the Hench Refugee Center we went.


End file.
